


Strange But Good

by TheLonelyJournalKeeper



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends, Fantasizing, Fluff, For a Friend, Friendship, Human Perry, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Third Person Omniscient, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLonelyJournalKeeper/pseuds/TheLonelyJournalKeeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heinz wants to meet Perry’s family. Gratuitous fluff ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange But Good

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Luna_Myth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Myth/gifts).



The credits of their latest soap opera were rolling when Heinz brought it up for the first time. “So am I ever going to get to meet your family?” 

Perry looked at him askance as though such an occurrence were unthinkable. _My cover_ , he reminded him in sign language. 

“Well yeah,” the ex-evil scientist said in reply. “I know you can’t tell your family about OWCA, but we’re not even nemeses anymore. Don’t you trust me, Perry the Platypus? I wouldn’t say anything that could mess things up with your host family.” 

Perry considered it. In truth, he did trust Heinz. The pair’s relationship was a complicated one but ultimately one he cherished. Still, despite Heinz’s good intentions he had a somewhat notorious habit to ramble and well…it wouldn’t be much of a stretch for him to let something suspicious slip on accident. 

Apparently taking his silence as a chance to persuade him, the scientist continued. “You’ve met my family. Well mostly Vanessa. I’m not really sure the rest count.” He huffed. “But you’ve met them too!” 

_Does N-O-R-M count?_ Perry signed offhandedly. 

Heinz shrugged. “Sure. Why not? But you haven’t answered my question!” 

_What would we tell them?_ Perry asked, unprepared to reject the idea outright. If he was honest, he’d been considering this for a while now, usually just in passing. Like when the boys had build something particularly ingenious, he would think how much Heinz would appreciate it. Or if something amusing had happened in the household, he would wish he could tell the scientist about it or tell his family about something Heinz had said. Little things like that. He couldn't help but feel that he was getting tired of the barriers between the two halves of his life.

“Oh Perry the Platypus, does this mean you’re considering it?” Doofenshmirtz sounded positively ecstatic. 

The OWCA agent rolled his eyes and nodded reluctantly. It would be difficult for sure, but perhaps not impossible. _If we did this, you couldn’t call me that in front of them._

“What? Oh! ‘Perry the Platypus’? But that’s all I’ve ever called you! Would I have to call you just ‘Perry’ then?” 

Perry nodded. _Too many questions otherwise._

“Yeah, I guess Perry the Platypus is kind of weird as a nickname, but I’m going to keep calling you that most of the time because it’s stuck now. It rolls off the tongue. You know, I don’t think I could manage _not_ calling you Perry the Platypus. It just wouldn’t feel right calling you “Perry”. _Per_ -ry. _Perry_. It’s too short.” 

The owner of the name in question smirked. _Gonna have to if you want to meet them._

“Okay, _fine_. I think I can handle not calling you Perry the Platypus for a _little_ while. Any more ground rules?” 

_Lots._

The ex-evil scientist groaned and pulled out a notepad. 

Perry chittered in amusement, one of the few sounds he was known to make. 

Still, as much as he enjoyed messing with Doofenshmirtz, this was a serious matter. He didn’t think Major Monogram or the rest of the organization would approve at all and he was certain he was at least bending a few rules so he decided to keep this a secret. If anything occurred to give his family the slightest clue what he really did for a living, it would spell disaster. This would have to be perfectly planned and that meant laying down some ground rules before he could even begin to come up with a plan. 

_No mentioning OWCA or I-N-A-T-O-R-S or how you used to be evil._

Heinz nodded, scribbling down notes. “Right. Right. I can do that.” 

_Nothing about nemeses or trapping me. Don’t mention Monogram_ (Here Perry used his name-sign) _or anyone from O-W-C-A._

“No one? What about Vanessa?” More scribbling. 

_You can talk about Vanessa. No N-O-R-M. Robots are hard to explain._

“You think so? There are loads in this town. Anything else?” 

A nod. _No complaining about your brother._

“What?! Why not? He’s so easy to complain about!” 

_He’s well-liked._ Perry shrugged. 

“Don’t I know it.” Doofenshmirtz said sourly. 

_Not what I meant. It would just make a bad impression._ He patted his friend’s hand. Honestly, he wasn’t sure friend was the right word. Their relationship was an unconventional one, but friend didn’t seem enough. They knew each other much too well. 

“Is there anything I _can_ talk about?” The scientist whined. “You must’ve restricted like, half of my usual topics of conversation.” 

Perry thought about it. _School. But not the catastrophes._

“What do you mean ‘catastrophes’?!” 

_Gorilla lizard teenager? Slime monster? That explosion that caused a H-A-Z-M—_

“Yeah, yeah. I get the point. Catastrophes. You’re really not leaving me a lot to work with, Perry the Platypus.” 

_You’ll find something._

“Anything else?” 

_No backstories. Too heavy._

“I have to say I see your point there. I uh, don’t really share those with anyone other than you anyways.” 

A smile tugged at Perry’s lips. _That’s all then._

“Good timing!” Heinz chirped. “Ta-da!” He turned around the notepad he’d been scribbling on, revealing not a list of rules or notes, but a drawing. “I drew what you would look like as a platypus!” 

_That does not look like a platypus._

“Yeesh. Everyone’s a critic.” He pouted. 

_I like the hat,_ Perry offered. 

Doofenshmirtz smiled. “It looks just like yours, don’t you think? I had to include it. It wouldn’t be Perry without the hat.” 

Perry smirked. He knew all too well the significance of the hat. Honestly, Heinz had no facial recognition skills, a fact which could prove problematic if this was to work as Perry couldn’t _officially_ blow his cover. 

“Okay, so I got all the _rules._ Now when do I get to meet them?” 

Perry shrugged. How should he know? _Need to think on it and research O-W-C-A’s rules._

“Oh right, fair enough. I wouldn’t want you to do anything that would get you in _trouble._ I just want to learn more about the man behind the _fedora_. We’ve known each other for _years_ and you know next to everything about _me_ , but when it comes down to it I really don’t know that much about _you._ It’s not very well- _balanced_ , don’t you think?” 

_Comes with the job._ Perry replied, but if there was one thing he really didn’t like about his job, it was all the secrets. He had a lot of them and he was very good at keeping them, but that didn’t mean he liked it. He actually kind of admired Heinz’s ability to be so open, something that didn’t come naturally to the secret agent and even less so after training. 

“Right,” Heinz smiled. “I guess that’s why they call you a _secret_ agent cos you’re full of them. You’re a mystery, wrapped in an enigma and sporting a stylish hat. Are there ever agents that aren’t secret? What would that be called? Just regular agents? Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.” 

_The whole organization is secret, Heinz. Would defeat the point._

“Why even is that though? Why are there so many government organizations hellbent on secrecy? I think they’re overestimating how much people care, to be honest. They always act like it would be the end of the world if people knew about them, but I don’t think anyone would really care. Except for like, their enemies, I guess. They would probably care. _Ohhhh._ Is that why evil-fighting organizations are always secret? So their enemies won’t go after them or the agent’s loved ones?” 

Wondering how this had never occurred to him before, Perry nodded. 

“Oh that makes so much sense. I always thought they were just really private or something or maybe it was just some rule to keep the agents in line. You know, funnily enough, most rules _are_ there for a reason! Except for the ones about removing your USB safely or taking tags off of mattresses, I’m pretty sure they’re just messing with us about those.” 

Perry listened to Heinz ramble (and input his own comments occasionally) for several more minutes until he had to leave.

~0~0~

Perry kept hitting dead ends. While in no way exceedingly strict, OWCA _did_ have order to uphold and that meant rules and regulations and protocols. Perry prided himself on following all these rules and doing things By the Book (at least most of the time, there were always special cases) but right now he was really wishing he could break a few rules. There always seemed to be just enough said to prevent his plan from going forward and as loath was he was to do so, breaking the rules seemed like the only step forward unless he could find a loophole. 

His other option was to not go through with the meeting at all, but he was equally loath to disappoint Heinz. It was really such a simple request, but all the secrets surrounding his two lives made it next to impossible. 

So while his reluctance to go against the rules warred with his reluctance to disappoint his ex-nemesis, he kept searching. There had to be a loophole. There always was. He just had to find it. 

The problem was two-fold. Most importantly, his family could not find out about his double life. That would mean the end of everything, but more complicatedly, Heinz couldn’t know about Perrin Fletcher, who he was with his family. Heinz’s status in regards to OWCA was complicated, but Perry was certain he wasn’t cleared for sensitive information like Perry’s alter-ego, at least not directly. If Major Monogram became aware that Heinz knew such classified information, Heinz would likely lose his memory of the incident (rendering the whole affair pointless) and Perry might very well end up in hot water for his part in exposing it. 

The agent shuddered to think of the consequences if the Organization knew just how much he valued his relationship with the ex-evil scientist. He already had a file full of fraternization infractions in regards to his past nemesis. Revealing sensitive information to a former enemy….that would not help matters to say the least. 

So why was he so willing to risk everything for Heinz Doofenshmirtz? He didn’t fully know the answer himself, but it didn’t feel like such a risk to him somehow. Despite it all, Perry trusted the man greatly. He knew, better than almost anyone, that Heinz’s heart was truly in the right place. He actually believed that when it came down to it, Heinz would make the right decision. 

It was a startlingly idealistic thought for one so worldly-wise as Agent P.

So the crux of the problem surprisingly came from OWCA. Allow his two lives to meet and Heinz to learn more about ‘the man behind the fedora’ without raising any alarms that would result in memory-erasing or inquiries with regards to his relationship with Heinz Doofenshmirtz because, damn it all, he knew he was emotionally compromised. He could really stand it if the Organization didn’t know. He was supposed to be their top agent. He’d hardly ever failed a mission and yet, here he was, unable to risk disappointing the man he’d fought day after day for five-odd years. 

It was times like this he reflected on just how unconventional his life was. He supposed it ran in the family. His nephews Phineas and Ferb did things pretty damn unconventionally and it suited them just fine.It normally suited Perry just fine too, but today he was really wishing he’d picked a more traditional career as introducing your boyfriend to your family should not be putting your job and/or entire lifestyle on the line. 

He blanked for the space of a full second after that thought. 

_Boyfriend?_ He had no idea where that thought had come from. Surely, that wasn’t the best word to describe their complicated relationship. _I mean,_ he thought. _Lots of enemies have some kind of sexual tension, right?_ It didn’t mean he actually had feelings for the admittedly adorable scientist. 

He chided himself internally, pushing the thoughts away. He was emotionally compromised enough as it was. He really couldn’t afford to add romance into the mix. He was pretty much married to his job anyways. 

Right. His job. And ways to keep it. 

So any sort of planned meeting was out. He would look too complicit and his identity would be exposed for sure. 

Wait a minute. _His identity._ Heinz didn’t know it and he was terrible at recognizing him. A fact that sometimes annoyed him, could seriously benefit him here. Heinz could meet Perrin Fletcher’s family so long as he didn’t know Perry Fletcher was really Agent P. It was an unusual situation but it didn’t break any of the rules. 

It wasn’t much to go on however. If Heinz didn’t know it was his family, what was the point? He would keep asking until Perry either said it wasn’t possible or that they’d already met which would lead him to reveal his alter ego which would be breaking the rules. 

Perry was truly dealing in technicalities now. It would be easier if Heinz could connect the dots, but that same inability kept his two lives separate and thus his entire livelihood safe. 

What a conundrum. 

~0~0~

Heinz hoped he hadn’t overstepped any boundaries but he’d never really been good at knowing what those were. He blamed it on his upbringing. He blamed most things on his upbringing but really, that was because most things _were_ a result of his troubled past. 

In any case, he hated the idea that he might have bothered or inconvenienced Perry with his question when that hadn’t been his intent. Perry was one of maybe two people who could honestly say he had a good relationship with and so it would be just like him to open his big mouth and fuck it up with a good-intentioned question. 

_Oh but it was a stupid question._ He thought to himself. What had he been thinking? Perry was a _secret agent._ Heinz was just his ex-nemesis. Really, that fact made it even more impossible for Heinz to meet them. Why should Perry trust him with the people closest to him? Just because Heinz did didn’t mean Perry had to. 

“Dummkopf,” He said out loud. But really, the idea of meeting Perry’s family in a casual setting had him rather…giddy. The idea of Perry trusting him enough for it to happen had him even more so. 

He’d said Perry was a mystery and in some ways it was true, but Heinz liked what he did know of the agent. _A lot._

He liked his bravery, his sense of honor, his honest good nature, his mischievous streak. Even his reserved stoicism was incredibly endearing. 

And Heinz had almost certainly pushed him away with his bold question. Why else would Perry not have contacted him about it by now? “Why do I have to be so chatty?” He complained. 

“Dad, you’re talking to yourself again,” said Vanessa from the next room. 

“I know, honey.” He called back. “It’s called soliloquizing.” 

“Ri-i-i-ight,” she said. “I’m putting my headphones back in now.” 

“Oka-a-a-y. I’ll just be over here, dissembling this inator.” Even if he’d given up building inators (at least for evil purposes), he found the act of fiddling with them soothing and dissembling them so they couldn’t be used for evil purposes was a good thing, right? Even if he wasn’t sure what the evil implications of this particular inator had been. It had been a long summer. Was it any surprise his schemes stopped making sense somewhere along the line? 

He caught himself talking to himself again and stopped mid-sentence before deeming it a lost cause and continuing. Vanessa had her headphones in anyways. He knew from experience that she couldn’t hear a thing with them in. 

It was a bit lonely without anyone to monologue to though. 

~0~0~

The thought hit Perry suddenly. O.W.C.A. trusted him. 

And why shouldn’t they? Despite his fraternization infractions, he’d proven over and over again that he was a dependable agent. That meant if he was very careful, he could do this. They wouldn’t be expecting him to potentially blow his own cover (he didn’t expect it of himself either). 

But he would have to at least bend a few rules, there was no getting around that, and hope O.W.C.A. wouldn’t be monitoring the situation too closely. 

Honestly, their surveillance system was pretty hit or miss anyways. It was possible he was worrying too much. 

Then again, it was possible he wasn’t worrying enough, but he was filled with a need to step outside his box, even just a little. Strange how Heinz was the only person who could convince him to go against the rules. That probably wasn’t what O.W.C.A. had had in mind when they’d first sent Perry to stop him. The thought made him chuckle. The evil scientist had gone good and the agent had started breaking rules. 

Ah well, he was certain nothing bad would come of this. O.W.C.A. could stuff it. 

With this in mind, he set about preparing his plan. 

~0~0~

Heinz dived for his phone (which he’d left on the cluttered coffee table) the moment he heard it chime. This was somewhat unusual behavior for him as he was the kind of person who often avoided answering phone calls and forgot to reply to text messages, but he’d recognized the ring tone. 

It was the chrrrrr-ing noise Perry sometimes made which meant it was from the O.W.C.A. agent himself and no, Perry was not aware that Heinz had secretly recorded that sound to use as Perry’s ringtone and it was going to stay that way for the foreseeable future. 

Heinz briefly paused to wonder if Perry had a personalized text tone for him before he woke up his phone and eagerly clicked on the text. 

To his delight, it was not a “Sorry. No can do.” or even an off-topic inquiry. No, it was a time and a place. Cryptic, maybe even mysterious. 

Heinz was happy to play along. He fired back a reply. (Actually, perhaps fired is too quick a word. He quickly tapped out a reply before proceeding to delete most of it very rapidly and rewrite it as it was full of typos. The keys on his phone were irritatingly small. He complained of this aloud.) 

_Sure thing. ;) ;) ;) ;)_ Off went his reply with a satisfying little whooosh. 

Strange how a location and a time could put him so at ease. It was as if all of his previous worry and self-loathing and negativity was draining out of him, leaving him in an extraordinarily good mood. 

Strange.

~0~0~

Perry had it all planned out perfectly, down to the very last detail. 

And still, he felt the tiniest trace of nerves. That was unusual. He never got nervous about missions. They distracted him from completing them. 

Strangely, he didn’t think the nerves were caused by the potential risk of his ‘mission’, but rather…the social aspect of it. Right on cue, his stomach flipped as he thought of Heinz meeting his family. 

He wasn’t concerned with such things as covers being blown, any potential danger. No, he found himself concerned with things like, would they like each other? 

Utterly ridiculous. He had more important things to be worrying about. Like memory loss or inquiries. 

Perry arrived at their meeting place on the dot, commending himself on picking the location well. It was a busy intersection, full of people and open to the public. It would be easy to blend in with the crowd. 

Heinz arrived a few moments later, looking scattered as usual, muttering to himself and knocking into pedestrians. 

He brightened when he saw Perry who was standing casually out of the way watching the taller man make his harried way through the crowd. “Ah Perry th-“ With visible effort, he halted mid-word. “Perry.” He corrected himself. The short word seemed awkward on his tongue and Perry smirked. 

“Sorry I’m late,” he barreled on. “This was this _incident_ with one of my old inators. Did you know that if you remove the compulsion crystal from the tell-the-truth-inator it turns into a fog machine? I should probably have unplugged it first, but I got all the fog out of the room in the end. It still smells like shrimp in there though. I don’t know what that’s about.” 

Knowing Heinz for as long as he had, Perry was not much concerned or confused by this tale. He was actually rather relieved the inator hadn’t turned into a death ray or exploded which were both fairly likely occurrences. 

_Hello Heinz_ , Perry signed. _I wasn’t waiting too long._

“Oh good!” Heinz said, relieved. “So what’s the plan? Your text wasn’t exactly _wordy._ ” 

_Am I ever?_ Perry thought. 

Heinz was thinking along the same lines. “Okay, I guess I should have expected that from _you_.” 

Perry chittered with amusement. He made a “come on” gesture with his hands and walked off. _I’ll explain as we go._

Heinz darted after him. “Where are we going? And did you get permission from O.W.C.A about this or what?” 

Heinz didn’t want the agent getting into trouble with the Organization. He was the only one who could cause trouble for Perry, thank you very much. 

Perry ignored his second question however and signed simply, _my house. One stop first._

That shouldn’t have been exactly reassuring but Heinz figured Perry had it well in hand. The man was competent and it wasn’t like he would risk anything important on Heinz’s account, that much the scientist felt quite sure of. 

“Ooh exciting.” Heinz chirped. “Where are we stopping?” 

Perry gestured ahead of them. Heinz wasn’t sure what at but it became somewhat clear a moment later. 

_Costume change._ Perry said, tipping his hat. 

“Oh right. You’re going back undercover. I gotcha. You know, I’ve never seen you out of uniform before.” 

Perry shook his head slightly, amused. The truth was, Heinz had seen him out of uniform several times. He’s just never been able to recognize him. This had less to do with Perry’s disguise skills and more to do with Heinz’s impressive ignorance. 

Perry entered the public restroom and emerged a few minutes later looking quite different. Not enough to excuse Heinz’s obliviousness but still an impressive change. 

His smart uniform had been swapped for a casual pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He was missing his fedora and he’d donned a pair of glasses. More than that, his general air had changed too. Agent P had slipped back into his alter ego Perrin Fletcher. He stood more relaxed. His gaze was less fierce. His hands found their way into his pockets. 

He stood before Heinz, expecting some kind of reaction. The ex-evil scientist remained happily oblivious, quite plainly still waiting for Perry’s return. 

The O.W.C.A. agent sighed. He’d rather hoped he wouldn’t have to do this as it officially counted as blowing his cover, silly as it sounded given he’d already decided to do so. Still, it was a bit unnerving to officially blow his cover. 

_It’s me._ He signed, looking Heinz in the eye. 

The scientist started. “Perry the Platypus!” He said in shock. “You look so different!” 

Perry rolled his eyes. _Just Perry._

“You look more like a Steven, if you ask me.” 

What was he going to do with this man? _I am Steven._

“Wait, what?” Heinz said. “That was _you_?” 

_You’re terrible at recognizing me._

“Ouch.” 

_It’s true._

Heinz didn’t catch the signs. He was too busy staring at the altered man before him with a look of confusion bordering on awe. This was what he normally looked like? 

He was…really cute actually. Softer around the edges. The teal hair usually hidden by his hat was slightly tousled and his usual rigid stance was more relaxed. 

Not that it mattered. 

Heinz was suddenly aware of his own appearance. He wondered if he should’ve worn something nicer than his usual attire. He didn’t really know what Perry had planned, but it was too late to ask now and discretion was the name of the game. 

Oh well, Heinz thought. It’s not like anything I could wear would make me look _handsome_ anyways. 

Perry led the way to a bus stop with Heinz following after him happily, chattering about something. 

Perry might’ve thought it a nervous habit if Heinz didn’t do this all the time. He also didn’t think Heinz would be nervous about this. He was too resilient. 

For his part, Perry was content to listen to his best friend’s monologue as they took the short bus ride to Perry’s neighborhood. His previous nerves had dissolved in the presence of Heinz, strangely enough. The former evil scientist was as familiar to him as his hat though it did feel strange to be without the later in the presence of the former. 

Strange, but good. 

Heinz was still talking by the time they’d nearly reached their stop. Perry had stopped making comments or paying attention some time ago, opting instead to enjoy the wild hand gestures and excited expressions Heinz made while he talked. 

Heinz stopped suddenly in the middle of a sentence, hands freezing in the air. “You’re looking at me funny.” He said. 

Perry started. While he’d been watching the man talk, an affectionate smirk had crept onto his face. He quickly rearranged his expression into a more neutral one. _Am I?_ He signed noncommittally. 

“Yeah! You were!” Heinz said accusingly. “Like you were laughing at me.” 

_Was not._

“You totally were! If you want me to stop talking, you just have to ask. I can be quiet. Really-“ 

_This is our stop._ Perry interrupted. 

“You live in the suburbs? Hey, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this place from my balcony! Who exactly am I meeting anyway? Do they know we’re coming? You really need to work on your communication skills. You never tell me anything.” 

_You talk enough for the both of us._

“Heh.” Heinz laughed. “I can’t argue with that.” 

_They do know you’re visiting. I’ll introduce you when we get there._ Perry answered belatedly as they set off. 

“Ooh this is so exciting! I’m going to meet Perry the-sorry, _Perry’s_ family.” 

_Remember the rules._ Perry signed warningly. 

“Right. Right. I got it. Are we there yet?” 

_Almost._ He pointed to an ordinary house up ahead with a red minivan parked outside and a tall tree in the backyard. 

“Wait, wait. What’s our backstory?” 

Perry sent him a quizzical look. 

“You know, how we met. What am I to you? I can’t be your ex-nemesis, can I?” 

What am I to you? 

Good question. Perry wished he knew the answer. The real one, not the one he’d made up for this ‘mission’. 

_Friends,_ Perry signed vaguely. _Here._ He handed the scientist a sheet of paper. He didn’t feel like signing the whole thing out and he knew his friend had a good memory when he chose to employ it so he wasn’t too concerned about Heinz getting the story wrong. 

Heinz read it as they walked on, brow furrowed in concentration (Perry had to tug him out of the way of a mailbox to avoid him colliding with it). 

“You know, you’re pretty creative, _Perry_. This is a good story.” 

He shrugged. _More like a cover._

“Right, right. It’s all part of your secret agent training. You’re a platypus of many talents.” 

Perry rolled his eyes. _I’m not a platypus._

“Well I know that! You certainly don’t look like one. You’re much more…” 

_More?_ The agent signed, amused. 

“Never mind,” Heinz said hurriedly. “How did you get that code name anyways?” 

_Another time._ Perry gestured up ahead. _We’re here._ He looked the scientist in the eye very seriously. _Remember the rules._ He said again.

The agent couldn’t believe he was really doing this but it was too late to back out now. And surprisingly, seeing Heinz so excited rather made up for it. 

“Right, right. I’ve got it, _Perry._ ” 

_Okay_ , Perry thought. _Here goes nothing._

He stepped up to the door and entered the house. 

The familiarity of it was pleasant to Perry, as coming home always is. 

For Heinz however, it was a completely new experience and he looked around with interest at the entirely normal looking house as Perry lead him inside. 

Heinz resisted the urge to comment, “Pretty average looking house for a secret agent.” or something equally incriminating, going over the rules in his head. He wasn’t very sure of the etiquette for this situation so he fell uncharacteristically silent. 

Normally, he didn't care what people thought of him or else he was unaware of what they thought, but for once, he wanted to make a good impression. It was a very strange feeling, this uncertainty. 

Upon entering the living room, Heinz met the first member of Perry’s family and his uncertainty turned to surprise. 

Sprawled on the couch, flipping through channels with a bored expression, was a teenage girl with orangey-red hair and a rather long neck. Heinz recognized her. 

“Oh I know you!” He said in surprise, not bothering to say hello. “You’re one of Vanessa’s friends. Hey, weren’t you the one who turned on the Do-Over-inator? Space and time was almost destroyed because of that! Still, I guess I should thank you because everything turned out well in the end. Yeah, that was a weird day. Or month.” 

Perry started, not expecting that at all. 

Candace looked over, startled. “Vanessa’s dad? What are you doing here? Oh hey, Perry.” She nodded to him. 

He waved. _Candace, meet Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I said I was having a friend over, remember? Heinz, meet Candace F-L-Y-N-N, my niece._

Heinz made the name-sign for Candace. “How do you pronounce that?” 

“It’s Candace,” said the girl in question. “But you’re friends with Vanessa’s dad, Perry? I didn’t even know you had friends.” 

Heinz snorted and Perry scowled at them both. 

“Well it’s true. You don’t do much.” 

“Really?” said Heinz, surprised once more. “He’s usually pretty active when I see him.” 

“How _do_ you two know each other?” Candace asked, apparently deciding this was more interesting than whatever was playing on TV and turning towards them. 

“We used to work together before I became a teacher,” Heinz answered. 

“Oh co-workers. Cool. Hey, do either of you know what Phineas and Ferb are up to? I haven’t heard from them in about an hour and I’m getting suspicious.” 

Perry shook his head. _Couldn’t see it from outside._

Candace hmm-ed. “That doesn’t narrow it down much.” She stood up and cracked her knuckles. “Alright. That’s enough lolly-gagging. Time to get my bust on.” 

She stalked off, shouting, “Phineas and Ferb!” 

“Sibling rivalry?” Heinz asked, knowingly. 

Perry shrugged. _Something like that._

“If she’s your niece, does that mean you have a brother or sister?” 

_Brother. Her step-dad._

“Oh cool. Hence the last names. What does she think her brothers are doing?” 

Perry smirked. _Let’s go see._ He suspected the three might get along actually, what with the shared mechanical genius. 

“Should I be suspicious of that smirk?” 

Perry followed Candace, trusting her busting instincts to lead them to Phineas and Ferb. 

They were in the backyard of course, with a metal box covered in dials and switches.

“You guys are so busted!” Candace was yelling. 

Heinz and Perry walked over to the group. 

“Ooh is that an inator?” Heinz asked with interest before he remembered he wasn’t supposed to mention them. 

Perry elbowed him. 

“What’s an inator?” Phineas asked, turning his eyes away from the device to the new-comers. 

“Nothing.” Heinz said, quickly. 

Perry refrained from rolling his eyes.

“Oh there you are, Perry,” Phineas said cheerfully. “Who’s your friend?” 

“He’s Vanessa’s dad,” Candace replied carelessly before Heinz or Perry could. “But aren’t we getting off topic here? You need to tell me what it is you guys built so I can go bust you for it!” 

“Actually my name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, but I guess Vanessa’s dad works too.” 

“Greetings, Dr. D,” Phineas said, completely unconcerned by Candace’s declaration that she was gonna bust them. “And this, dear family and honored guest,” (his voice took on a showman quality) “is the Day Dream Machine! Designed to fill up those boring hours where you have nothing to do with the custom-designed daydream of your choice! Choose between hundreds of scenarios with customizable features such as lucid or non-lucid, realistic or fantastical. You can even have the power to fly!” 

Ferb played some canned applause. 

“Sounds bustable,” Candace said. “Mom! Mom! Come see what Phineas and Ferb are doing!” She ran back into the house. 

Again, no one was concerned. Least of all Linda who could be heard from the kitchen. “Candace, please. It’s the weekend and Perry’s having a guest over. Could you not do this today?” 

“But _Mom-_ “ 

Perry smiled at Phineas and Ferb. _Looks great. Have you tested it?_

“We were about to!” Phineas responded enthusiastically. Heinz was getting the impression he did most of the talking. “Candace usually joins us for the testing stage so we were waiting on her, but she seems a bit preoccupied at the moment. Would you two care to join us instead?” 

Perry looked to Heinz. 

“Oh yeah,” the scientist said. “I’m always up for testing strange machines. It’s kind of my thing.” 

“Are you an inventor?” Phineas asked with interest. 

“You could say that.” 

“Oh cool!” The boy said, fiddling with the controls of the machine with the aid of his brother. “I would’ve pegged you as a pharmacist from the lab coat.” 

“Why does everyone always assume that? Other professions wear lab coats too, you know!” 

“Oh look!” Phineas said. “Candace is joining us after all.” 

She was storming back towards them looking grumpy and took a seat on the grass with a look of despair. 

“Mom said no busting while company is over. Jeremy is out of town for the weekend and Stacy has figure-skating.” She slumped back on the grass dramatically. “Okay. I accept my fate. Hit me with your best shot.” 

“Okay everyone. We’ve set the Day Dream Machine to random with the stipulation that you’ll be lucid, meaning you’ll know it’s a dream. We expect the machine to tap into your subconscious and bring you fantasies about your desires but it’s still in beta testing so we’re not sure what might happen. On three: one, two, three. Hit it, Ferb!” 

Ferb pressed an auspiciously red button. White mist seeped out of the machine and the backyard began to fade away. 

~0~0~

Heinz was standing in his penthouse. It took him a moment to remember this was a dream and that he hadn’t in fact been teleported (which was just as likely really). 

“Whoa, great graphics,” he said to himself looking around and touching things experimentally. “Now what?” 

He really didn’t have a clue what was going to happen. His one big wish had been domination of the Tri-State Area…or so he’d thought. What had happened on the last day of summer had made him realize perhaps that wasn’t so and now he didn’t have a clue what he wanted. His desires were a muddled ball of half-formed ideas and impossible hopes, nothing he could put into conscious thought. 

So he was surprised when Perry walked into the room, and out of uniform at that. 

Surprised at least, until the effects of the machine kicked in and started filling him in on the scenario. 

At that point, he got a hell of a lot more and less confused all at once. 

~0~0~

Perry wasn’t surprised to find himself back in Heinz’s place. Being so quiet can lead to a lot of self-reflection after all. He spared a moment to be impressed by his nephews’ work before the machine began playing out the scenario it has devised. 

He went along with it willingly, pieces clicking together perfectly and confirming what he’d already begun to suspect. 

He was in love with Heinz. 

The fantasy played out in a world where he and Heinz were dating and O.W.C.A. has rescinded all their rules about secrets and he had told his family about his other life and everything was just perfect. 

He spent the next few hours in the dream, holding hands with his ‘boyfriend’, watching movies with him and just spending time together, with the ability to go home afterwards and tell his boys about his day without any lies or omissions. 

Well except for the part where he and Heinz had kissed. He had to hand it to his nephews; it was an extremely realistic dream. He could almost still feel the sensation. For a brief moment, he entertained the notion of what a real kiss would be like…but no. 

He was content in the knowledge that this was as near to real as it would ever get. 

After all, there was no way Heinz would ever return his feelings or that he would ever be able to tell his family the whole truth. 

~0~0~

It was fortunate the machine was designed to only allow pleasant day dreams for Heinz was in such a state of shock that it might have played out very differently had it not been for the machine which kept the story going as it was planned. 

Which involved greeting Perry with a kiss and inquiring about his day while chattering about his own. The OWCA agent (Heinz wasn’t surprised to find Perry was still an agent in this universe) listened with a look of what could only be described as affection, incredibly open honest affection. It was breath-taking, so much so that Heinz was unable to hold back a stammer as he relayed what he had done that day (surprisingly, the machine had kept his actual job though what had happened that day was new). No one had ever looked at him like that before. Certainly not Charlene. 

Although…no. Heinz stopped himself from thinking it. He’d had a wild moment of thought that the way Perry had been staring at him on the bus ride was somewhat similar, though more restrained. That was madness, of course. 

While Heinz was talking, they had moved into the kitchen. Perry took a seat in an armchair while Heinz set about gathering up ingredients. To make dinner, the dream told him. 

When he was done talking, Perry signed a bit about his own day. 

Heinz continued cooking. While that was always something he’d done reasonably well, it was extremely easy in the dream state. Still he was feeling rather proud of himself, likely another effect of the day dream. Surely it was stimulating emotions, like the way he’d felt kissing Perry. Kissing his best friend should _not_ have been that…enjoyable. 

The doorbell rang, jerking him back into the dream which informed him that that was Vanessa who was coming over for dinner. 

“Can you get that, Perry the Platypus?” Heinz asked. “It’s probably Vanessa.” 

Perry stood up and made for the door, signing with the air of one who has asked the same thing many times, _Why do you still call me that? We’ve been married for almost a year now. You can call me Perry._

Heinz’s conscious brain was malfunctioning from the statement the dream had conveniently not informed him of until now, though he supposed he ought to have read between the lines. 

His subconscious however was still picking up signals from the dream and replied with the air of one who had replied the same thing many times to the point where it was almost an inside joke. “It’s stuck, Perry the Platypus. You should just accept it.” 

Perry smirked and answered the door. It was indeed Vanessa, looking several years older and if anything, more beautiful. 

“Hey Perry,” she said casually. 

He smiled and waved her inside. _Hope you like lasagna._

Oh is that what I’m making? Heinz thought, having not been paying attention. “There’s also salad,” he called. “And ice cream…no wait. We finished that last night. But there’s still lasagna and salad. Could probably find something for dessert…hmmm…” 

“It’s fine, Dad. I love your lasagna.” 

Heinz smiled, filled with happiness even though he knew it was only a fantasy. 

The evening continued in much the same way. It was absolutely wonderful, everything he could ever hope for…and yet he was continually aware that it was fleeting, unreal…meaningless. 

Then Vanessa was kissing him on the cheek and saying good bye and that she’d come around again soon and telling Perry to “Look after him for me because you’re the one with some sense.” 

And then he and Perry were retreating to the living room to laze around before bed and before he knew it the dream was ending. 

The white mist was reappearing, the dream was fading away, reality was solidifying around him and he shouldn’t have been so surprised to feel a pang of sadness at the loss of the impossible fantasy. 

~0~0~

“That didn’t work at all!” Candace was complaining. “I mean, I was married to Jeremy,” she took on a doe-eyed expression briefly. “But you guys never got busted!” 

“Hmm,” said Phineas thoughtfully. “I’ll make a note of it.” He scribbled something on his clipboard. “And you, Dr. D? How was your Day Dream Experience?” 

“Amazing,” he blurted out then checked himself. “I mean no, it was terrible. I mean, it didn’t work for me either. I mean…I don’t know.” He rambled, quite confused. The machine _had_ malfunctioned, right? 

When Phineas turned to Perry, the man simply smiled mysteriously and gave him a thumbs up. 

Phineas seemed to know what that meant however as he scribbled something else down. He also seemed to know what Ferb had thought as he said, “So Perry, Ferb, and myself experienced no difficulties and Candace and Dr. D got mixed results. I guess the Day Dream Machine is going into storage while we figure out how to work out the bugs, huh Ferb?” 

Ferb said nothing. 

Phineas pressed a button on a remote and the machine sunk below the ground and was immediately covered up by fresh grass. “That’s alright. We’ve still got all of tomorrow. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like your day dream though, Dr. D. Normally our inventions work perfectly.” 

“Eh, it’s alright, kid. My inventions don’t always work right either…or even usually work right.” 

_Not true._ Perry signed. _Most of them work perfectly. They just explode a lot._

“Yeah and whose fault is that?” Heinz said without thinking though he was smiling at the indirect compliment. 

Perry pointed at him. Heinz turned his finger back on him. 

Perry rolled his eyes. _You’re hopeless._

“Your inventions _explode?_ And you think it’s Perry’s fault?” Phineas said, correctly sensing a good story. 

“Yeah, what gives?” said Candace. “How come you never mentioned you were friends with Vanessa’s dad? You seem to know each other quite well.” 

“Ah.” Heinz muttered, realizing he’d slipped up. He hoped Perry wasn’t mad at him. 

Though Heinz didn’t know it, Perry was cursing himself for mentioning the exploding thing at all, but he didn’t like hearing Heinz sounding downcast about his inators. Though most of their purposes were absurd, they were still genuinely brilliant in engineering even with the self destruct buttons. 

Fortunately, Linda announced it was dinner time before either one could scramble for a reply. 

Dinner was surprisingly casual and the conversation unstilted. It probably helped that Heinz was naturally talkative and Phineas got along with anyone. Perry was relieved to see everyone getting along and having a good time. He smiled. This was nice. 

He joined in on the conversation only occasionally, preferring to listen to what the others were saying instead. They were saying a lot. Except for Ferb that is, who spoke only once during the meal. 

Assuming OWCA didn’t catch wind of this, Perry could safely say this was a good decision. 

And even if they did, he couldn’t deny it was a good reason to get kicked out of O.W.C.A. and possibly ruin everything. 

Yes, one perfect moment with the people he cared about most…

That was worth almost anything. 

~0~0~

The air between them was permeated with a charged silence. Neither one knew quite what to say, particularly unusual for Heinz. 

They stood at the door step in silence for the space of three heat beats before Heinz spoke. “Thanks, Perry-“ he lowered his voice and smirked. “The platypus.” Normal volume again. “This was really… something. Really something.” 

The scientist hesitated. The day dream from earlier weighed heavily on his mind but he did not know to say. He decided on, “I’ll text you. Bye, Perry.”

The undercover agent smiled at him and nodded. _Good bye, Heinz. I’m glad we did this._

“O-oh? Me too! Um, I’ll just be going now,” he slipped out the door before he could get drawn into a long conversation. Or perhaps a monologue. 

In any case, he didn’t want to overstay his welcome and tarnish this perfect evening. 

Yes, things were much too good as they were. It would be foolish to hope for more. 


End file.
